If you don't know me by now...

My feelings were almost slightly hurt when an 'online magazine' recently referred to me as 'random blogger'. Firstly, there's nothing 'magazine' about this particular site. Even Odyssey, the free gay rag with half of its pages stuck together and a circulation of 4 issues for every dirty gay bar toilet in West Hollywood is more of a magazine than this 'publication'. It's obvious that delusions of grandeur have taken over with the perpetrators of this garbage. It's also obvious from reading it that they are running out of stories pretty quickly. When you're regurgitating weeks old Perez Hilton entries, you know it's time to move on to a new street corner and find new tricks. We all know how the old adage goes, 'there's only so many anecdotes that an unemployed, drug addict homo has up his sleeve...'

Anyway, in case these boys have become avid fans of this blog in recent days, I thought I'd take a little test that might reveal a bit more about yours truly. Unfortunately, the best google could come up with was Cosmopolitans 'Are You Enough Of A Bad Girl' quiz. But seeing as Cosmo is a real magazine and all, I assume they'll be happy. They might even put it in their next 'issue', which hits news-stands on the 4th of NEVER.

The Result:

There you have it. I'm Balls-Out Baddass....better watch out boys.

xox...oh wait that's you...oh wait, no, that was Gossip Girl.

I'm featured...

on wehoconfidential.com.

FML.

Thanks boys! I'll thank you in person when I see you later...

In appreciation of women...

I'm a massive homosexual. There, I said it. Fag hags aside, I have little or no time for the appreciation of women; I'm far too busy on the prowl, looking for my prey whilst avoiding all those nasty sexual predators to concern myself with the nonsense of a menstrual cycle. But sometimes, just sometimes, there comes along a woman who has the power and charm and butch-doggedness to win me over and when that happens, I flat out worship the big old broad. I present to you my 3 favorite women of all time:

No. 3: Ann Coulter

Ann gets a lot of stick for her 'wacky' ideologies. She considers Christians to be 'perfected Jews', likes to use words like 'faggot' and if given the power to, would take away women's votes. She has a law degree and has even penned a couple of bestsellers with titles such as 'Godless: The Church of Liberalism" and "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans'. Apparently a few people don't like Annie's views (unbelievable!), case in point:

Ann has sadly been rather unlucky in love, having been engaged several times, but each man, for some inconceivable reason, ran out on her. I imagine it's Ann who wears the trousers and the strap-ons in all of her failed romances...

No. 2: Shirley Phelps-Roper

Shirley is head girl of the Westboro Baptist Church, by far my favorite religious organization. Pretty much every on of the 70 or so members of the church is the spawn of satan, otherwise known as her father, Fred. The 'church' all get together on a Sunday, sing songs, eat some cookies and discuss how the rest of the world is going to hell. They hate just about everybody, from hero soldiers to 'fags' and even Swedish people...

Shirley certainly has a screw or two loose and that just makes me love her even more. She travels the US to picket the funerals of dead soldiers, AIDS victims and just about anyone else she doesn't see eye-to-eye with. Deep down, I suspect Shirley is a total fame whore and LOVES all the attention she gets. Here she is on Fox news in the infamous battle known as 'Crazy Christian Lady vs. Crazy Asian Lady':

Of course, Shirley isn't everyone's cup of tea. Just look at how these 'doomed fags' throw their homosexuality in her

face when she's trying to spread the word of God. Ungrateful heathens:

I recommend watching Louis Theroux's documentary on Westboro so you can see just how truly remarkable Shirley really is...

No. 1: Sarah Palin

Of course, there was never a contest when it came to my all-time favorite woman. Step forward Sexy Sarah. Sarah is just all kinds of crazy and that turns me on to no end. With any luck, Sarah will be in the White House in just over 2 years. Have you read her book? I have and it's powerful, thought provoking stuff:

If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?

It's a real testament to this woman's greatness that she went from being Mayor of a town with 4000 residents to Governor of a state with 700,000 people to potential Vice President of a country with 300,000,000 people all in 12 years. And all without even knowing which newspapers she was reading.

Sarah has her doubters and it's not always been plain sailin' for Palin. Those 'gotcha' media

and Tina Fey sure have made things difficult for her at times, but Sarah has always come out

on top. Good for her. Here's by far my favorite Sarah moment, when she made an otherwise

bleak, death-stenched turkey farm look fresh and gorgeous!

Sarah, I love you and if I was given some rights (and a visa), I'd totally vote for

you in 2012. Until then I will just have to get my Sarah fix and make do with masturbating over

your newsweek photo and the greatest porno ever made, Nailin' Palin.....

Because I for one certainly don't want to see Ridin' Biden...

Book club...

Read this. And if you don't wet yourself laughing, you clearly need a sense of humor transplant STAT.

Thanks go to B for the impeccable suggestion, and for his 40% discount at Barnes and Noble.

Time to take out the trash...

I used to call West Hollywood home. When I first moved to LA, I could think of nowhere better to spend my surprisingly free time than the epicenter of gay fabulosity that the homosexuals affectionately call WeHo. One, like myself, could easily assume WeHo was just a cute and convenient abbreviation for WEst HOllywood, but in time I learned the hard way (no pun intended) that it is, in fact, no abbreviation at all. It is simply a statement of the truth that WE are indeed HOs. And they really are.

Before I moved here I read in my guidebook, wikipedia.com, that 'West Hollywood is extremely pet friendly and is home to 1,000 dogs per square mile'. This excited me as there is nothing I love more than a mans best friend. So you can imagine my horror when, upon my arrival, I made the shocking discovery that wikipedia.com, that bastion of fact-checked truth, was clearly referring to a wide proportion of the local men as opposed to the four-legged variety of dog that I can't get enough of. 'FUCK' I thought. It literally looked like a giant, sunshine filled petri dish of STIs.

Now I would like to make it clear that I'm not saying everybody in WeHo, or LA for that matter, is a dog. There truly are some beautiful men here. For instance, Zac Efron, Johnny Depp and two out of three Jonas brothers are indeed very beautiful and reside happily within the boundaries of Greater LA. Happily, that is, until me and B decide to buy a star map and invade their privacy by rolling up to their driveways and shouting, as loudly as possible, that we would really like to fuck them. Fuck them hard. And several times over. But more about that later. One can see first hand some of the gorgeous manliness that walk these streets by taking a rather fun (and totally immoral) sample of the local gyms. Sit outside Equinox (membership $149 a month) and perhaps 95% of the men are gorgeous and totally fuckable. I should also point out for the good of consumer research that no other gyms bathrooms come within a mile of Equinox and that's a very important factor to any self-respecting gay man when selecting a gym to frequent (they dish out Kiehl's toiletries, need I say more?). Outside Crunch ($94.95 a month), the number drops to around 70%, but I for one can still work with that. 24hr Fitness ($34.99 a month) drops way down to around 40-45% and is dipping the toes a little too uncomfortably into what I like to call 'prawn' territory. Prawn because you snap off the head and keep the body (or if you're in a hurry and don't want to be charged with grievous bodily harm, simply adorn the head with a paper bag). The results of this survey are crystal clear and totally indisputable - the more expensive the gym, the better, and more fuckable the men. Do I sound like a gold digger? Perhaps. Has the majority of my last paragraph gotten lost and totally irrelevant to my point? Most definitely.

Stepping over to the dark side for a moment and illustrating my discontent with WeHo and the majority of its people, go take a look at www.wehoconfidential.com. This insipid, vitriolic garbage is most likely the work of one of the many under-qualified, over-prescribed, likes to lick cocaine off of a dirty toilet seat and party all night, every night men that line the WeHo bars, clubs and free sexual health clinics. Due to their anonymity, of which I am 100% in favor of in the blogosphere (please take note Perez Hilton and fuck off back to the internet-less shantytown in Mexico that you came from), we might never know just who the perpetrator of this bitter bitchfest is. It could even be one of my many deluded and mentally incapacitated friends aiming for the big time in a similarly tacky style to myself. To be honest I don't really care, it simply illustrates my point that WeHo really does live up to its ever so appropriate and non-abbreviated name.

Needless to say, I've moved out of West Hollywood and am now happily residing in Compton.

ROFL.

I'm currently chatting on facebook with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for almost two years before he left me for an older man he had been fucking for several months (talk about a downgrade). He also just about managed to piss off every one of his friends with this move, including his at the time 'best' friend, who had previously been intimate with 'older man'.

'Older man' just dumped my ex the other night after almost a year. I'm filled with a huge sense of self satisfaction and even googled the term 'ROFL' to make sure I was using it in the correct context.

Karma, my friends, is a rather wonderful bitch.

I'm unemployed...

so a friend suggested I started this blog. His identity shall remain a secret (at least until he's famous) so for now, we'll call him B. That could stand for a lot of things to be honest, especially when it comes to this little treasure. Love ya B!

I'm actually self-employed, but that's pretty much like being unemployed. I shall refrain from blaming the economy, it's really my fault for being far too overqualified. Hopefully things will pick up soon or I will be forced to dumb down and aim lower. Says a lot about the state of the econ...oh wait I promised not to do that.

Anyway, I don't even expect anyone to read this so it'll no doubt just be a convenient place for me to vent. I'll probably have forgotten about it tomorrow if i'm honest. But if not, and in the highly likely case that one day in the future this thing gets made into a book, followed shortly after by a multi-billion dollar movie franchise, I would just like to say that I'm very, very excited about it all. And I want Zac Efron to play me...